9.
“SO, okay. to start this off- i am an extremely self conscious person and i complain to my friends all the time about how i feel that i am fat and need to lose weight and how i’m ugly and they probably want to slap me across the face most of the time. i have a horrible reputation with people that sometimes i don’t even know that well at all. people think i’m ‘weird’ or a ‘creeper’ but i don’t really care because i don’t know them and have never talked to them before so how can they really justify thinking that? i guess that’s how i see it. i worry about what other people think alllllll the time and i really wish i wasn’t like that. i have been trying to lose weight for a really long time even though people don’t think i need to- but i want to so it can be easier for me to live my life the way i want it and to be happy with who i am, which i am not. i have always been teased. i look back at who i was and i’m SO happy that i’ve changed. my life is good from an outsiders perspective. people have attempted to call me ‘perfect’ but i shoot that down and get a little upset when people think that. my brother has been into alcohol, smoking, and he’s recently done heroin. i don’t want to lose him because i honestly don’t know what’d i’d do if he was in my life. my older sister is not like me whatsoever. she is a lot shorter and is pretty and confident and is thin. she is divorced with a child and has had tons of boyfriends. i know i don’t want to be like that when i’m older. however i would like to be more confident. my parents irk me to no end sometimes and i’ve debated moving out many times. i went to a counselor when i was innn 7th grade because i was having suicidal thoughts and my doctor thought i was going to hurt myself- i love life, and i am glad that i am alive i would never be able to kill myself. ever. ever ever. my sister teases me for being ‘so awkward’ and ‘dorky’ all the time. i like being dorky but i try my best to not be awkward (lol). i am so afraid of making my parents ashamed of me- but they have been so overbearing that i am afraid to do ANYTHING that would upset them in the slightest way so i live a very cautious life which sucks and frustrates me a lot. i want to go to college and live a good life but i am addicted to the computer and i get not that great grades because i don’t put enough time into studying. i am trying my hardest to lose weight, get good grades and get out of here as fast as i can- but i am constantly reminded ‘dont wish your life away’ and i am scared of dying too young and not being able to do anything. i really hope that this next part you don’t laugh at because i feel stupid and like a little kid.- i have a ‘crush’ on ******. and it’s ridiculous. i tweet him way too much and stickam i get soooo nervous for nothing. my sister told me that i’m having a ‘fake friendship’ and ‘maybe he’s just being nice’ and ‘it’s just over the internet’ my mom tells me ‘you can’t live a fake life’ (as in internet). i hate that i have been this way and i’ve been getting a lot better. and right now i feel like i’ve been super annoying and i’m really truly sorry. this is a super long email but i’m almost done. i’m really annoyed with myself about all the time and i wish i could just drop 30 pounds and be who i really want to be. i have never been lucky with boys. i haven’t kissed a guy. i’ve had two ‘relationships’ one in 9th grade, one in 7th they both lasted about 2 days. i’ve tried to swear off “love” until college but i’m starting to think that there’s no one out there for me.i just have to get through high school because i hate it. i hate people who think drinking and doing drugs is ‘cool’ or just people who are ruining their lives by doing it now. i know that some of this has just been me telling you about myself. but it’s venting because i need to get all this out. i want to restart and ‘reinvent’ myself the best i can. i want to be myself.
thank you SO much if you hung in and read this all :) thankyouthankyouthankyou”
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